JUST SAY NO!!!

NO!  Such a beautiful word.  Practice this:  "NO!"

You, my dear must learn to say NO if you truly want to design your most brilliant life. Here's one of my stories:

I spent such a long time trying to figure out who I am.  Years, as a matter of fact.  All of my years.  I've re-invented myself so many times, I'm beginning to resemble Madonna. Except for the voice.  And the body.  And the money.  Well, you know what I'm saying.

Ten years ago, you wouldn't have recognized me.  I wasn't overweight, and I did have the same dark hair, but if you'd had a conversation with me, you would have no idea that I ended up being who I am today.  Of course, I'm still a work in progress.  Aren't we all?  But since then, I've taken the time to sit and learn and grow and make decisions about how I want to live my life.  Ten years ago, I didn't even know what I liked to do, let alone knowing how to surround myself with everything exquisite, the way I do now.  Ten years ago, I wouldn't have had a great conversation with you, because I would have been too busy being intimidated by you, and trying to impress you into liking me.  Whew!  Talk about an energy drain!

With that learning came clear goals and ideas of how I want my life to look.  I realized that life is short.  You agree, right?  Life is short, and so we must make choices that result in a life we truly want to live and that makes us happy.  Choices that lead us toward the life we want to live, not take us farther away from it.  SO important!  We must make on-purpose choices about how we want to spend our time.  Or someone will do it for us!  And it may not be what we would choose for ourselves!

Another revelation that came to me was this:  Our results and outcomes are choice-driven. Every choice we make will lead us into a direction.  We get to make those choices and we get to lead our lives toward our goals.  So we better make good choices, right?  If you don't choose how to spend your life and your time, trust me, someone else will spend your time for you.  If you don't learn to say no in a way that people understand that you mean no, you'll find yourself working on someone else's goals, rather than your own.  There have been many times in my life that I would shake my head and ask myself how I ended up doing something. The reason, I had to admit to myself, is that there are people who are strong. There are people who can find their way into my "yes" and I needed learn how to manage my choices!

Once this next little light bulb went on over my head, I found my path.  I learned this from a National Sales Director for Mary Kay Cosmetics.  She said to me, "Time invested in one area is time away from another area."  So when I choose to write this to you, I am choosing to be away from something else.  When I choose to watch House of Cards on TV, I am choosing to be away from writing my next book, or spending time with friends, or exercising.  This is another reason that I wanted to learn how to make on-purpose decisions.  As an adult woman with goals, dreams and desires, I get to choose how I spend my time!  That is great news!  Any time I find myself with a task that needs to be completed, I am able to ask myself if it is a priority for me and a good use of my time.  And I say NO quite a bit!

Once you've taken the time to set your goals, choose your lifestyle and know what you want, you too will need to live your life on-purpose in order to live the life you've designed for yourself.

Remember that there will always be things that you'll be called on to do.  Some of those things are wonderful, helpful, important and of great value.  But you must have a mindset of discernment so that you know if you should make this a priority.  Once again, will doing this lead you to your goals and desired life?  Will it lead you farther away?  Or will it just waste your time?

Just because you are fabulous and would be the one who can sell the most brownies at the bake sale, that doesn't mean that's what you SHOULD be doing right now.  Just because you could lead the blood drive in your neighborhood and you'd be the one who can get more than anyone else, is it what you SHOULD be doing?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  It's your choice. But if you choose to take this on, you cannot complain later about your lack of time to focus on your own goals.

You must design your life so that you have your time prioritized and you can fit everything that you desire into your day.  The Universe has given every one of us 24 hours in a day. If you can't fit everything in, then you must ask yourself what you have taken on that is keeping you away from your own path.  Let go of those things by learning to say NO.

Once you become obedient to yourself, show up for yourself, and accomplish what you must accomplish in order to design your life and live the life you truly want to live, you will find that time will slow down for you.  When you invest your time in building your own life, life will reward you again and again.  Once you know how you want to live your life, and you gain clarity on the direction you want to go, the things you must do, tasks, chores, etc, will become very clear to you.

Always remember that the life you've chosen to live is your responsibility to create.  Just because you have to say no to someone when they call upon you to help with their goals, doesn't mean you hate them, doesn't mean you don't care about them, doesn't mean you don't care about their cause.  It just means that you are designing your life.  You are setting goals.  You are making choices to lead you into the direction you have chosen.

It is ok that the extra task someone wants you to do for them is just not your season right now.  It can be in the future, but right now, you're focused on designing your most brilliant life!

Please leave me a comment about this topic!  I'd love to know what you think!

Love,
Donna

For more information on this topic and many others, please visit my website, www.brilliancefactor.com 

You will get inspired and learn a few things about yourself!  If you would like to work with me on this topic, I'd love to coach you through it.  Please contact me!  And while you're on the website, sign up for our emails!  You'll be a part of a wonderful group of people who will all inspire you, as well as receive invitations to some exclusive events that are coming up!

NEEDING A LITTLE CAVE TIME?

Hello Love!

Tell me this, have you ever felt as though you need to lock yourself away somewhere and just enjoy the silence and peace and solitude?  I know I have.  Many people feel this way these days because of all the rushing and stress we feel on a daily basis.  Most of us have the responsibility of a job, a boss, a family, children, co-workers, bills, obligations, which definitely build our stress level.  Add to that the stress we feel from just listening to the news every day!  And who the heck are we going to vote for???  Ugh!

The concept of "Cave Time" comes to us from John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  His philosophy states that when a man comes home from work, he needs quiet time to decompress after his long day, and his wife must allow him that time before she begins to share her day with him.

To that I say, "HIS long day?  What about MY long day?"  Well, let me tell you, I jumped on the idea of cave time 100 years ago, when I first heard about this philosophy.  To me - and I'd bet you as well - few things are as relaxing as some time away from all of the noise of our lives.  To enter a quiet home or room, put on some music, light a candle or two, close my eyes and let the feeling of peace and calm wash over me.

Do you feel this is something that would be good for you?  Well, I am here to tell you that giving yourself this gift occasionally can be life changing.  To let everything go for an hour or so - or 3 hours - or 30 minutes, is a beautiful time of freedom.

In Virginia Woolf's book, "A room of one's own" she tells us, "A woman must have her own money and a room of her own in order to be a writer."

Money will be another post, but Virginia's idea of a room of one's own to write is what we must pay attention to.  In order to be creative, and comfortable in your own skin, and comfortable with who you truly are as an individual, you must have the time and space to yourself.  You must have time to think without interruption.  Without criticism.  Without judgement.  You must have time to examine who you are, how you feel and what you truly want.  Most women try to make these choices and figure things out with the noise of their lives swirling around their heads.  With that noise and distraction, she'll come to half of a conclusion.  But in the quiet time, the alone time, all the answers become clear.

So give yourself this beautiful gift.  Find a place that is quiet and make it your own.  Ask your family to allow you a bit of quiet time here and there to relax.  If you get push back from them, and you just might, then find a quiet place to go.  A bookstore, a cafe, a park, a quiet coffee shop.  Take yourself there and relax.  Go into your "cave" and let that time be all about YOU.  If it feels uncomfortable, as though you have too much to do, then you need cave time even more!  Start small.  Take 15 minutes.  Then increase the time as you become more and more comfortable with yourself.

So, my beautiful friend, from this day forward, you have permission to give yourself some "Cave Time."  I promise you that you'll get more from this time to yourself than you can possibly imagine.  It is SO worth it!

Please leave a comment and let me know what you think about this subject and if you would like me to address any specific subject that concerns you!

Love,
Donna

PS.  For more information on this topic and others, please visit my website:

www.brilliancefactor.com

Here you will get inspired, as well as learn how you can work with me!  Sign up there to become part of this BRILLIANT community and you'll receive invitations to some fun events that are coming up!!!  Cheers to you!

Letting go of Mr. Wrong!

It happens to everyone at one time or another in their lives.  We come to realize that the Mr. Right we've put our faith into, has become Mr. Wrong.  Remember Bridget Jones when she finally realized that Hugh Grant was absolutely poison for her?  She went bat-shit crazy! Started drinking and smoking and eating, and eating, and eating...

There is just no getting around the fact that dealing with Mr. Wrong is going to be difficult in one way or another.  Whether you end the relationship or he does, there will be feelings of self-doubt and many hours of questioning what went wrong.  Well, let me ease your mind a little bit.  NOTHING went wrong.  And EVERYTHING went wrong.  Most of the time when relationships don't work out - unless cheating was involved - timing is one of the biggest issues.

I remember dating a great guy 100 years ago when I lived in Pittsburgh.  He was a prominent local celebrity - a popular radio DJ.  I loved him.  Then he loved me.  Then I loved him.  Then he loved me.  We just couldn't get onto the same page at the same time.  Also, he was 17 years older than me.  So if I had married him, he'd probably be dead by now.  And would I be a rich widow?  Probably not.  Was he really Mr. Wrong?  Absolutely not.  This is just an example of that timing issue.

There is another "great guy" that I dated when I lived in Johnstown, Pennsylvania.  This cool, smart guy was named Brad.  Brad was a young attorney.  I loved him.  He never loved me.  We dated for a few months and then he decided that I was getting too serious and he wasn't ready for any sort of commitment.  Brad hurt me.  So what did I do?  I started dating one of his friends, Randy.  Randy was cute.  And really stupid.  I couldn't take it. So I ended that very quickly.

One month after Brad and I stopped seeing each other, and two weeks after I stopped seeing Randy because, really, he must have been lobotomized at some point, I was with a couple girlfriends at a concert.  Guess who was sitting exactly behind me in the 18,000 seat arena?  Well it was Brad, of course!  With is new..... are you ready?  His new FIANCE! Seriously??  This was the guy who wasn't ready for any sort of commitment.  I couldn't decide if I should cry or throw my drink at him.  What does this all mean?  TIMING IS EVERYTHING.  He met the right person at the right moment and it all fell into place for him. Yay for Brad!

So when we find ourselves in a situation where our heart needs some mending, I want to share with you a few things I've learned from my mentors and my girlfriends, and also from some of the guys I've dated.  

1.  FOCUS ON YOU...  Even when things are great in the relationship, don't lose track of yourself.  Do what you love.  Do you like old movies?  Watch movies.  Have you wanted to write a book?  Get started on that.  You'll be surprised at how interesting you will become to the Brads of the world when you're as focused on YOU as you are on them. Even if you are dating Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, you will need to remember that YOU are a priority.  If you don't, you just might become dull!  NO! WHAT? YOU?  Darling, nothing is more boring than a woman (or man) who is 100% focused on their partner and neglecting themselves. When you make yourself a priority, the right person will show up and you will be prepared for that person.  And more importantly, you will be their equal, not their doormat.

2.  Does the relationship really have to end?  If so, now is the perfect time for a sacrificial bond fire to eliminate everything you have that reminds you of the ASS.  Please know that I do not suggest a REAL bond fire.  Throw the shit into a bag and toss it into the trash - along with him/her.  You need to move on, and holding on to all the sweet little things you have left over - movie tickets, the Birthday card he gave you, the little note he left on your car when you first met - it's all crap.  Get rid of it and refer to lesson number 1 above.

3.  LET YOURSELF FEEL..  Rather than burying those feelings, give yourself some time to just sit and feel it.  Maybe even take a few days off work.  Cough, cough.  You look a little pale.  Are you sick?  Take some time to sit and allow yourself to experience the feelings that you have now.  Get a big box of tissues.  Don't fight the feelings.  Feel the hurt, feel the rejection, allow yourself to have a good cry.  Pushing those emotions down will only cause them to show up at another time.  The way to get past the hurt is to get THROUGH the hurt.  It will not be a good day, but in the end you'll feel so much better.  Not 100%, but better.  And finally - remember this:  FEEL.  But don't REACT.  I learned this from one of my mentors.  Don't lash out at the jerk.  Trust me please.  It will not help.  I've been there.

4.  CALL IN THE TROOPS...  Re-kindle relationships with your girlfriends.  Resist the temptation to lock yourself away alone for weeks on end.   Get dressed up, put on some makeup, go to lunch, dinner, movies, all of it.  Your girlfriends will be there for you.  Yes, they will call you on neglecting them when the relationship was good, but call them, text them at 2:00 am, spend time with them.  When you begin to feel the urge to reach out to Mr. Wrong, STOP!!!  And then call in the troops instead!  Again, I've been there.  Reaching out to him with that one super-cute thing you decide to say to him will not win him back. Let him feel your absence.  That may not work either, but it's better than wasting your breath on him.

5.  GET CUTE...  Yes, those couple of tear filled days will require pajamas, result in puffy eyes, and eating comfort food.  But after that, it's time to put on one of your cute outfits, your favorite lipstick, wash that hair and return to being the beautiful creature that we both know you are.  Yes, he is most likely an unappreciative child in a man's body, but don't let him make you walk away from your beauty.  Take that POWER back into your own hands. Never let him - or anyone - make you ugly!  I mean, he might be worth a few tears, but making you ugly?  HELL TO THE NO!!!

And speaking of ugly...

6.  STAY AWAY FROM HIS PEOPLE...  Contacting his family, friends, ex-girlfriend, ex-wives, new girlfriend will only hurt you in the long run.  Believe me, you will want to, but take it from an experienced, heartbroken person - this is a very bad idea.  Once you start down this path, contacting his people, you will walk right through the doors to crazy-town.  And there is almost no recovering from that - at least in his eyes.  Not that we care much about his stupid, vacant eyes.  But we DO care about how we react to all of this.  Let's not create more drama for ourselves.  If he has friends that tell you they will be there for you and that they won't take sides, there is one word I want you to remember:

BULLSHIT!

They will not be there for you, my love.  They will listen to what you have to say, and then they will immediately call him and his other friends and tell them how pitiful you are. Choose POWERFUL over PITIFUL!   EVERY.  SINGLE.  TIME. 

7.  BE THE BIGGER PERSON...  and God, don't we hate hearing this!!!  Especially when we're bouncing back and forth between hurt and anger.  Hurt, anger, hurt, hanger....ugh! Show up for yourself and everyone else as the classy, elegant, worthy lady that you are. There is no arguing with CALM ELEGANCE.  Period.  So make yourself THAT!  Calm and elegant will always win!

And although it is a bit cliche, SUCCESS is the best revenge 100% of the time.  If you run into him, his sister, his ex, his best friend or his mother, let them see you as the most beautiful YOU that you can be.  Let them see that you EXUDE class, self-worth and style. Believe me, it will be reported back!

When ANYONE says, "Oh hi....you poor thing...are you ok?.....How are you doing?"  HERE IS YOUR ANSWER:

"Oh my gosh, I've never been better!  There is so much going on in my life right now and I'm SO excited about it... Hey, great to see you but I have to run!  Someone is waiting for me! See ya!"

I suggest you memorize that sentence.  Just in case!  And once again, it will be reported back, I promise you!

...Not that you care what is reported back, because you have beautifully, gracefully, successfully and with class, MOVED ON.

So do this for yourself:  Go be POWERFUL!

Would you like a little more inspiration?  Email me at TheBrillianceFactor@gmail.com and I'll send you a special downloadable gift:  "5 Steps that will take you from Pitiful to Powerful!"

Also, visit www.Brilliancefactor.com and get some more inspiration and information on how to work with me!

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LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!

Donna