Letting go of Mr. Wrong!

It happens to everyone at one time or another in their lives.  We come to realize that the Mr. Right we've put our faith into, has become Mr. Wrong.  Remember Bridget Jones when she finally realized that Hugh Grant was absolutely poison for her?  She went bat-shit crazy! Started drinking and smoking and eating, and eating, and eating...

There is just no getting around the fact that dealing with Mr. Wrong is going to be difficult in one way or another.  Whether you end the relationship or he does, there will be feelings of self-doubt and many hours of questioning what went wrong.  Well, let me ease your mind a little bit.  NOTHING went wrong.  And EVERYTHING went wrong.  Most of the time when relationships don't work out - unless cheating was involved - timing is one of the biggest issues.

I remember dating a great guy 100 years ago when I lived in Pittsburgh.  He was a prominent local celebrity - a popular radio DJ.  I loved him.  Then he loved me.  Then I loved him.  Then he loved me.  We just couldn't get onto the same page at the same time.  Also, he was 17 years older than me.  So if I had married him, he'd probably be dead by now.  And would I be a rich widow?  Probably not.  Was he really Mr. Wrong?  Absolutely not.  This is just an example of that timing issue.

There is another "great guy" that I dated when I lived in Johnstown, Pennsylvania.  This cool, smart guy was named Brad.  Brad was a young attorney.  I loved him.  He never loved me.  We dated for a few months and then he decided that I was getting too serious and he wasn't ready for any sort of commitment.  Brad hurt me.  So what did I do?  I started dating one of his friends, Randy.  Randy was cute.  And really stupid.  I couldn't take it. So I ended that very quickly.

One month after Brad and I stopped seeing each other, and two weeks after I stopped seeing Randy because, really, he must have been lobotomized at some point, I was with a couple girlfriends at a concert.  Guess who was sitting exactly behind me in the 18,000 seat arena?  Well it was Brad, of course!  With is new..... are you ready?  His new FIANCE! Seriously??  This was the guy who wasn't ready for any sort of commitment.  I couldn't decide if I should cry or throw my drink at him.  What does this all mean?  TIMING IS EVERYTHING.  He met the right person at the right moment and it all fell into place for him. Yay for Brad!

So when we find ourselves in a situation where our heart needs some mending, I want to share with you a few things I've learned from my mentors and my girlfriends, and also from some of the guys I've dated.  

1.  FOCUS ON YOU...  Even when things are great in the relationship, don't lose track of yourself.  Do what you love.  Do you like old movies?  Watch movies.  Have you wanted to write a book?  Get started on that.  You'll be surprised at how interesting you will become to the Brads of the world when you're as focused on YOU as you are on them. Even if you are dating Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, you will need to remember that YOU are a priority.  If you don't, you just might become dull!  NO! WHAT? YOU?  Darling, nothing is more boring than a woman (or man) who is 100% focused on their partner and neglecting themselves. When you make yourself a priority, the right person will show up and you will be prepared for that person.  And more importantly, you will be their equal, not their doormat.

2.  Does the relationship really have to end?  If so, now is the perfect time for a sacrificial bond fire to eliminate everything you have that reminds you of the ASS.  Please know that I do not suggest a REAL bond fire.  Throw the shit into a bag and toss it into the trash - along with him/her.  You need to move on, and holding on to all the sweet little things you have left over - movie tickets, the Birthday card he gave you, the little note he left on your car when you first met - it's all crap.  Get rid of it and refer to lesson number 1 above.

3.  LET YOURSELF FEEL..  Rather than burying those feelings, give yourself some time to just sit and feel it.  Maybe even take a few days off work.  Cough, cough.  You look a little pale.  Are you sick?  Take some time to sit and allow yourself to experience the feelings that you have now.  Get a big box of tissues.  Don't fight the feelings.  Feel the hurt, feel the rejection, allow yourself to have a good cry.  Pushing those emotions down will only cause them to show up at another time.  The way to get past the hurt is to get THROUGH the hurt.  It will not be a good day, but in the end you'll feel so much better.  Not 100%, but better.  And finally - remember this:  FEEL.  But don't REACT.  I learned this from one of my mentors.  Don't lash out at the jerk.  Trust me please.  It will not help.  I've been there.

4.  CALL IN THE TROOPS...  Re-kindle relationships with your girlfriends.  Resist the temptation to lock yourself away alone for weeks on end.   Get dressed up, put on some makeup, go to lunch, dinner, movies, all of it.  Your girlfriends will be there for you.  Yes, they will call you on neglecting them when the relationship was good, but call them, text them at 2:00 am, spend time with them.  When you begin to feel the urge to reach out to Mr. Wrong, STOP!!!  And then call in the troops instead!  Again, I've been there.  Reaching out to him with that one super-cute thing you decide to say to him will not win him back. Let him feel your absence.  That may not work either, but it's better than wasting your breath on him.

5.  GET CUTE...  Yes, those couple of tear filled days will require pajamas, result in puffy eyes, and eating comfort food.  But after that, it's time to put on one of your cute outfits, your favorite lipstick, wash that hair and return to being the beautiful creature that we both know you are.  Yes, he is most likely an unappreciative child in a man's body, but don't let him make you walk away from your beauty.  Take that POWER back into your own hands. Never let him - or anyone - make you ugly!  I mean, he might be worth a few tears, but making you ugly?  HELL TO THE NO!!!

And speaking of ugly...

6.  STAY AWAY FROM HIS PEOPLE...  Contacting his family, friends, ex-girlfriend, ex-wives, new girlfriend will only hurt you in the long run.  Believe me, you will want to, but take it from an experienced, heartbroken person - this is a very bad idea.  Once you start down this path, contacting his people, you will walk right through the doors to crazy-town.  And there is almost no recovering from that - at least in his eyes.  Not that we care much about his stupid, vacant eyes.  But we DO care about how we react to all of this.  Let's not create more drama for ourselves.  If he has friends that tell you they will be there for you and that they won't take sides, there is one word I want you to remember:

BULLSHIT!

They will not be there for you, my love.  They will listen to what you have to say, and then they will immediately call him and his other friends and tell them how pitiful you are. Choose POWERFUL over PITIFUL!   EVERY.  SINGLE.  TIME. 

7.  BE THE BIGGER PERSON...  and God, don't we hate hearing this!!!  Especially when we're bouncing back and forth between hurt and anger.  Hurt, anger, hurt, hanger....ugh! Show up for yourself and everyone else as the classy, elegant, worthy lady that you are. There is no arguing with CALM ELEGANCE.  Period.  So make yourself THAT!  Calm and elegant will always win!

And although it is a bit cliche, SUCCESS is the best revenge 100% of the time.  If you run into him, his sister, his ex, his best friend or his mother, let them see you as the most beautiful YOU that you can be.  Let them see that you EXUDE class, self-worth and style. Believe me, it will be reported back!

When ANYONE says, "Oh hi....you poor thing...are you ok?.....How are you doing?"  HERE IS YOUR ANSWER:

"Oh my gosh, I've never been better!  There is so much going on in my life right now and I'm SO excited about it... Hey, great to see you but I have to run!  Someone is waiting for me! See ya!"

I suggest you memorize that sentence.  Just in case!  And once again, it will be reported back, I promise you!

...Not that you care what is reported back, because you have beautifully, gracefully, successfully and with class, MOVED ON.

So do this for yourself:  Go be POWERFUL!

Would you like a little more inspiration?  Email me at TheBrillianceFactor@gmail.com and I'll send you a special downloadable gift:  "5 Steps that will take you from Pitiful to Powerful!"

Also, visit www.Brilliancefactor.com and get some more inspiration and information on how to work with me!

If you've enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends!!!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!

Donna

It's your story. Tell it well!

As adults, quite frequently we are asked to tell our stories.  What brought us here?  How did we get started?  Where did we come from?  What is our background?  What's the story, morning glory?

For some of us, our story is one of complete success, applause, sunshine, rainbows and Unicorn glitter-poop.  For others it's just the poop.  So what are we to do about this?  It is extremely important to figure this out because eventually, you ARE going to have to tell your story.  

I remember this one time, I was very young and on a date with the man-I-thought-was-of-my-dreams.  Let me tell you how wrong I was about that!  He invited me to a fancy dinner and I never felt more worthless in my life.  

OR... One time I was invited to the amazing, fancy dinner in Allegheny, PA in the Fall.  The trees in Pennsylvania are stunning in the Fall.  I met some wonderful ladies who were thrilled to hear about my work!  The food was to die for! If love to go back there - with a different date!  

Do you see the difference in my stories?

Here's another one:

I was an Assistant Department Manager in a big store.  My Manager quit unexpectedly and I really wanted her job! I spoke with the General Manager and let him know I was interested.  He said ok, and can you believe he let me manage that entire department for about just about a year without any increase in pay.  For the entire year, he dangled that position in front of me to keep me doing the job.  He even had me speak with HIS bosses about the position.  Then one day, out of the blue, told me he hired someone for the position.  I was just devastated.

OR...  I managed an $11M Cosmetics Department for an entire year when my boss left unexpectedly.  I really wanted to job, but ended up not getting it.  I did, however, get to learn all about running a large department.  I had great talks with people several levels above me who gave me some really good input and training.  I don't know when I learned more in my career than I did in that job.  I had outstanding relationships with my entire staff of 65 people as well as good relationships with all of my superiors.  It was this position that gave me the confidence to go for the position I have right now, as a Market Selling Specialist for a very high-end cosmetics company that is exclusive to Neiman Marcus.

Are you getting my point?

What stories do you tell about your life and your experiences?  Are you taking the time to hunt for the goodness?  Are you digging out the diamonds?  What picture are you painting of yourself and your life?  

Keep in mind that people want to be around successful, happy people!  You can paint a picture of the happy, successful you regardless of what you have experienced.  And you'll feel great about your accomplishments as well!

Let's examine a few possibilities.

You didn't go to college.

  

OR... When you were younger, you chose a path that consisted of hard work.  You jumped right into your field and you're doing great!  You can always go back to school.  You know you'll do it at some point when the time is right for you.  

You got divorced.

OR...  You had a great marriage for ___ years.  You learned so much about yourself!  In the end it wasn't a good fit.  But you're both good people and you will move on into a different direction for a while.  Besides, it's never a bad thing to take time to work on yourself!

You got fired.

OR... You got downsized!  Deep down, you felt that it was time for a change anyway, so this ended up being the blessing that is pushing you towards what you really want!  It's actually a pretty exciting time!

You are having a hard time making ends meet.

OR...  You just put a new savings strategy together.  You're trying to live more simply and you think this will really help you get to where you want to be.  You want to do more "nesting" and nurturing yourself at home.  You're looking forward to being low maintenance for a change!

You see, the stories we tell others are also the stories we tell ourselves.  You have the right and the opportunity to paint your picture any way you choose!  Are you choosing an empowering life?  Or a life as a victim?  That choice is 100% yours.  

Take a little time to think about the areas of your life where you may struggle, and look at how you are telling your story.  

If you're brave, leave me a comment and let me know how you tell your story!  And if you have a situation that you just can't seem to dig the positive out of, get in touch with me and let me know!

Visit www.brilliancefactor.com to get inspired and to learn how you can work with me!

Love & Nuggets of Gold,

Donna

VALENTINE'S DAY!!! (How can you mend a broken heart?)

Now hang with me for a bit.  This isn't going to be one of those sad, sappy love notes.  This is going to be a note of love - that's Self Love.  And hopefully a bit of humor!

So when we find ourselves with a broken heart that needs mending, which I am personally dealing with at this moment, I want to share with you a few things I've learned from my mentors and my girlfriends.  I must tell you, I have the BEST mentors in the world and the BEST gang of girlfriends one could hope for.  We're a small gang, but we're always there for each other.  And wow, have they been there for me during the past few months!

Here are a few of the things I've learned:

1.  FOCUS ON YOU...  Do what you love.  Do you like old movies?  Watch movies.  Have you wanted to write a book?  Get started on that.  You'll be surprised at how much good stuff comes to you when your heart is a bit raw.  Need to de-clutter or re-decorate?  Now is the perfect time for a sacrificial bond fire to eliminate everything you have that reminds you of the ASS.  Please know that I do not suggest a REAL bond fire.  Throw the shit into a bag and toss it into the trash - along with him/her.)

2.  LET YOURSELF FEEL..  Take some time alone.  Maybe a few days off work.  Cough, cough. You look a little pale.  Are you sick?  Take some time to sit and allow yourself to experience the feelings that you have now.  Get a big box of tissues.  Don't fight the feelings.  Feel the hurt, feel the rejection, allow yourself to have a good cry.  Pushing those emotions down will only cause them to show up at another time.  The way to get past the hurt is to go THROUGH the hurt.  It will not be a good day, but in the end you'll feel so much better.  Not 100%, but better.  Burying the emotions will never be a good thing in the end.  And finally - remember this:  FEEL.  But don't REACT.   Don't lash out at the jerk.  Trust me please.  It will not help.  I've been there.

3.  CALL IN THE TROOPS...  Re-kindle relationships with your girlfriends.  Resist the temptation to lock yourself away alone for weeks on end.   Get dressed up, go to lunch, dinner, movies, all of it. With your girlfriends.  They will be there for you.  Call them, text them at 2:00 am, spend time with them.  When you begin to feel the urge to reach out to Mr. WRONG, STOP!!!  And then call in the troops instead!

4.  GET CUTE...  Yes, those couple of tear filled days will require pajamas, puffy eyes, and comfort food.  But after that, it's time to put on one of your cute outfits, your favorite lipstick, wash that hair and return to being the beautiful creature that we both know you are.  Yes, he is most likely an unappreciative little boy, but don't let him make you walk away from your beauty.  Take that POWER back into your own hands.  Never let him - or anyone - make you ugly!

And speaking of ugly...

5.  STAY AWAY FROM HIS PEOPLE...  You will never benefit from contacting his family, friends, ex-girlfriend, ex-wives, new girlfriend.  Believe me, you will want to, but take it from an experienced, heartbroken person - this is a very bad idea.  Once you start down this path, contacting his people, you will walk right through the doors to crazy-town.  And there is almost no recovering from that - at least in his eyes.  Not that we care much about his stupid, vacant eyes.  But we DO care about how we react to all of this.  Let's not create more drama for ourselves.  If he has friends that tell you they will be there for you and that they won't take sides, there is one word I want you to remember:

BULLSHIT!

They will not be there for you.  They will listen to what you have to say, and then they will immediately call him and his other friends and tell them how pitiful you are.  Choose POWERFUL over PITIFUL!   EVERY.   TIME. 

6.  BE THE BETTER PERSON...  and God, don't we hate hearing this!!!  Especially when we're bouncing back and forth between hurt and anger.  Hurt, anger, hurt, hanger....ugh!  Just trust me on this.  Show up for yourself and everyone else as the classy, elegant, worthy lady that we know you are.  There is no arguing with CALM CLASS.  Period.

And one thing to remember, SUCCESS is the best revenge 100% of the time.  If you run into him, his sister, his ex, his best friend or his mother, let them see you as the most beautiful YOU that you can be.  Let them see that you EXUDE class, self-worth and style.  Believe me, it will be reported back!

When ANYONE says, "Oh hi....are you ok?.....How are you doing?"  HERE IS YOUR ANSWER:

"Oh my gosh, I've never been better!  There is so much going on in my life right now and I'm SO excited about it... Hey, great to see you but I have to run!  Someone is waiting for me!  See ya!"

I suggest you memorize that sentence.  Just in case!  And once again, it will be reported back, I promise you!

...Not that you care what is reported back, because you have beautifully, gracefully, successfully and with class, MOVED ON.

Happy Valentine's Day my love!

YOU are my Valentine this year!

Please visit www.Brilliancefactor.com and get some more inspiration and information on how to work with me!

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!

Donna