Shame: A total waste of time!

If you are like me - and most women - there are things in your past that you would rather not tell the whole world about.  Like that guy, or those guys from college - or that girl!  The bad financial decision you made when you were younger.  That impulsive choice you made that left you alone and alienated from your people.  How badly you treated your body.  How badly you treated others.

Now don't get me wrong, I am all about keeping your own secrets, not airing your dirty laundry, not over sharing everything that you've ever done in your past.  There are things that you should absolutely keep to yourself.  And we as women love a little secret, don't we?  So once again, don't think for a minute that I'm suggesting you hold an intervention for yourself, invite everyone you know and spill your guts.  Absolutely not!  What I am suggesting though, is that you find a way to look at your past, accept what has happened, learn the lesson and MOVE ON FROM IT!  

Let's examine my suggestions for getting past any guilt and shame you may be feeling about how you've lived your life.  

1.  Look at your past.  One of the best ways to get past any shame you are feeling is to take the time to think about the situation.  Where was your heart?  What did your life look like at that time?  How were you feeling?  How was your confidence level back then?  

You must hear me on this.  There was and is NOTHING wrong with you.  Yes, you made a questionable decision.  Big freaking deal!  You made a mistake.  Who doesn't make mistakes?  You did something stupid?  Welcome to the big girls club!  

2.  Accept what happened!  Ok.  As I said, you made a questionable choice.  You made a questionable choice, and you made a questionable choice.  EVERYONE DOES THAT!  You must accept the fact that at that moment, you weren't perfect - like you are now!  Tell yourself this, "Yea, I did that.  It's just what I did.  I did the best I could at the time."  And remember, MANY, MANY, MANY OTHER PEOPLE HAVE DONE THE SAME THING!  No big deal!  

3.  Learn the lesson.  Ask yourself what the hell was going on?  You made a decision.  A bad one.  Why did you make that decision?  Try to remember all of the circumstances.  What did you learn?  Did you realize it was a mistake right away?  If not, what made you think it was a mistake?  Was it REALLY a mistake, or do you just tell yourself it was a mistake.  What was the lesson you learned?  Dig deep for this.   Spend some time thinking about it.  

Was it a mistake that you made again and again?  Did you make the mistake only one time because you realized what you were doing?  

Did you learn to respect yourself?  Did you learn that despite how it felt at the time, you kept on living?  Bravo!  Did you learn to be a bit less impulsive?  To think through consequences before acting in the future?  Do you have advice inside you that you'd like to share with someone who is in the same situation you were in?  These lessons are extremely important.  They will help you re-write your story, so you can love your life and walk away from any quilt or shame that you've been hiding.

4.  Move on, baby!  Once you begin to understand why you made the questionable decisions you've made as well as the lessons you've learned, you can move on.  You'll be able to tell your story - if you choose to do so - with a sense of calm acceptance.  

Try to re-tell your story to yourself.  This may take some practice.  When you are writing, keep in mind who you were at the time, what the circumstances were in your life at the time, and what lessons you learned from it.  Then once you know the story you choose to tell, and if you choose to do so, find a close friend who you can share your story with.  I recommend doing this at least once, just to see how it feels.  

While you are working through this, you must internalize this:  YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD DO AT THE TIME WITH THE TOOLS YOU HAD TO WORK WITH.  YOU LEARNED A LESSON  AND NO ONE WILL EVER ACCUSE YOU OF NOT LIVING  AN INTERESTING LIFE!!!

My love, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.  Please believe me.  Share it, or keep it all to yourself.  Regardless of what you choose to do with the information, there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE ASHAMED OF YOUR PAST.  

Your past has brought you to where you are right now.  Are there improvements that can be made in your life now?  Fine! Make them!  Are you finally where you want to be?  Remember that one tiny little change in the path you have taken, and you wouldn't be where you are now.  

So please, if you have any shame or regret from your past, follow my steps to get yourself past those feelings.  Who knows how many other women need to learn from you!!!

Love,

Donna

PS.  For more inspiration or help, please visit my www.brilliancefactor.com

Or email me at Donna.tbf@gmail.com.  I would love to hear from you!

Five Things I Learned In France!

Every time I go to France, or any other country, I come home amazed at what I've learned. This time, however, I saw 5 light bulbs go on over my head.  5 shimmering, glimmering disco ball light bulbs!  I'm super excited to share these with you for a couple of reasons.  

First, I want to inspire you to travel.  Get out of your comfort zone, wherever that may be. If you've never left your state, your city, your community, hopefully this will give you a reason to set out on a journey of your own. 

Second, I want to inspire you to recognize how grand and beautiful our world really is. Truly, there is so much to see and to experience.  A travel journey will teach you something every single day.  To realize that we aren't alone on this planet, and to form connections with people who are nothing like us can be life changing!  I highly recommend giving it a try.

Here are the 5 things I've learned from my recent trip to France:

1.  I need to slow my brain down!  Whoa girl, back it down a notch!

Everywhere in Paris, you see people taking long breakfasts and lunches.  You see them sitting at cafe's enjoying their 3rd cafe latte and never once looking at their watches.  So why are we always in such a hurry?  Is it that we're over scheduling ourselves?  Are we sleeping too late in the mornings?  Are we taking too long to get where we want to go?  

Actually, I learned that it is none of those things.  The French have places to be just as we do.  The difference is all in your mind!  We don't necessarily need to move more slowly. What we need to do is stop being so frantic!  The constant running around is crazy making!

Get yourself where you need to go, but get there gracefully.  Walk, don't run.  Saunter, don't sprint.  Plan your activities so that you have time to get where you need to go without the crazy rush!  When you do this, you'll arrive much more polished, poised and confident.  

There is no need to scramble, but there is a need to do a little planning.  Plan for calm. Slow down your mind and enjoy where you're going!  Enjoy the process of getting there.

2.  It only take one or two little steps to look like a supermodel.

The entire time I was in France, I was looking for the runway models on the streets.  Guess what?  They are there, but you can't even tell!  They don't wear Oscar dresses to lunch. They don't wear all of their diamonds to the park!  Their hair isn't perfect every minute of every day!

How do they look so amazing?  One word:  ACCESSORIZE.  Keep your daily wardrobe clean, stylish, but basic.  The fabulosity is in the accessories.  The beautiful pumps or boots.  The Hermes - or Hermes looking - scarf.  The great handbag!  These stylish items paired with your wardrobe of basics, will turn you into the rock star you desire to be! Dress French, baby!

3.  Every picture tells a story!  

In France, people surround themselves with what they have available to them.  Grandma's side table, Mom's linen napkins.  Auntie's pearl earrings.  A framed picture they took while on vacation with their friends or family.  The lovely people I met had beautiful, understated things in their homes and businesses.  When I asked about various items, every one of them had a story behind it and a reason for them to keep it.  

Here in the US, we may not have many family heirlooms, but we can still live this interesting life.  Be sure the items that you purchase for yourself and your home are things that have meaning to you.  If someone were to ask you why you chose something, be sure there is a good reason for having it!  Maybe it reminds you of your favorite relative, or reminds you that you love to travel!  Be sure you are curating your surroundings and not merely accumulating things without thinking it through.

When every item has a story, things become - and YOU become - much more interesting!

4.  People in France do not hate Americans!

And what a relief this was to learn!  Yes, I knew we weren't hated in Paris, but this time, I met some of the friendliest, happiest and most generous people in other areas of France.  I met a beautiful woman who explained the meaning of the American Cemetery in Normandy.  I lovely tour guide spent time with me alone, recommending restaurants to try.  Another sweet girl let her 5 year old play patty cake with me at Mt. St. Michel.  Nice people everywhere!

It all boils down to the Golden Rule.  Do unto others, baby.  Approach others with a friendly smile and 99% of the time you'll get that friendliness and the smile back.  Learn a word or two of the local language and try it on for size!  And above all, don't take yourself too seriously!  Laugh at yourself!  We are not perfect and we must accept that and have a good laugh!!!

We Americans tend to become very impatient when we don't understand something in the first five seconds!  We are not in a microwave!  Please trust me when I say the rest of the world isn't in one either!  Calm down!  Don't get frustrated!  And if you get angry, don't let it show!  People are nice to those who are nice back!!!

The French do not hate Americans!  They hate obnoxious people!  Don't you???

5.  Having it all is relative.

This trip to France taught me that I am very blessed with what I have in my life.  I saw people living in tiny shacks along the train route.  I saw a woman with tattered clothing laughing and playing with her children in the Tuileries in Paris.  I saw a man sitting on a park bench in Montmartre with a woman tear his sandwich in half to share it with her.  I saw an artist in Montmartre walk over to me as I was considering buying a small piece of artwork from a different artist, and join the conversation.  This helped the OTHER artist get the sale.

As I write this with appreciative, teary eyes, I realize that I have been blessed with SO much abundance. I have beautiful friends who are always there for me.  I live in a beautiful building that represents exactly how I want to live.  I drive a safe, respectable car.  In addition to writing to you, I have a job that I go to each day that pays me well and surrounds me with beauty and luxury.  I have wonderful mentors who do not judge me, but encourage me to move forward with my dreams.  I have parents and brothers who love me. I have been able to travel to many parts of the world and experience different cultures.

Yes, my beautiful friend.  I am truly blessed.  I have what I need.  Yes, there are struggles from time to time - just like everyone has.  Sometimes financially oriented, sometimes relationship oriented, sometimes trying my patience.

However, the bottom line is this:  I have all that I need.  And so much more.  I have learned to appreciate little things and I have learned to STOP.  Stop and take a moment to express my gratitude.  Gratitude for YOU, my readers, and for everything else that I have in my life.
With love,
Donna

For more information, please visit www.BrillianceFactor.com  where you'll get more inspiration, and learn how you and I can work together.

DESIGN OR DEFAULT?

What is your philosophy on life?  Wow!  Big question, right?
"I need a philosophy on life now?" you ask.
The answer to that is no.  You do not need a philosophy on life.  You already have one, whether you know it or not.  Let me explain.

You can narrow the question of life's philosophy down to these two words:

DESIGN  or  DEFAULT

Let's cover the Default philosophy first.  If you are living your life one day, one second at a time without giving much thought to where you are going, what you are doing or how you are living, you are living within the Default philosophy.  If you aren't a planner and you just roll with the punches, you are living within the Default philosophy.

To many people, this lifestyle sounds like an easy one.  You just go with the flow, relax, don't think too much, assume everything will work itself out.  This is a true statement.  Life will work itself out.  Trees will grown, sun will shine, rain will fall, and life will go on.  You'll have all of the ups and downs that life throws at you.  And chances are, you will be able to "handle" everything as it happens.  The good, the bad and the ugly.

The consequences, however of living within the Default philosophy is that while yes, life will work itself out, it most likely won't work itself out just to please you.  It may even work itself out in a way that may make more work, trouble and drama for you.  Remember, living this way places you at the whim of the Universe!

Have you ever known someone who is just full of drama all the time?  Flat tires on the way to work, mediocre relationships, troubled kids, troubled job situation, just drama, drama everywhere!  It is exhausting to be around this person!  They are late for things, change plans at the last minute and think nothing of making you wait while they put out their latest fire!

Now THAT is a tough life.  Do you want to life that life?  Do you HAVE that life?

There have been times in my life that it felt like every person in my life is living this way, and I hated it!  I don't think I ever lived this way myself, however, I'd be willing to bet that I've had periods of time when my life looked this way.  So what's a person to do?

Let me share!

The alternative to this default lifestyle is the DESIGN philosophy.

When you take the time to design your life, you are taking the steps necessary to manage and guide yourself toward a life you have CHOSEN to live.  When you give yourself the time to sit and think about YOUR life and what type of reality you choose to live, you can begin to create that reality, that world, all around yourself.

Now, just because you envision a world of ease, elegance, respect and accomplishment doesn't mean that it's going to show up on your door step in a big blue Tiffany's box.  Au contraire, mon ami!

Creating this life takes effort, on-purpose planning and a giant dose of mindset adjustment.  Does that sound like too much work for you?  Well let me tell you why it's worth it!  Once you create clear goals and place yourself on the path toward a life that you have designed for yourself, you will see circumstances calm down for you.  Once you choose what and whom you want to surround yourself with, you'll begin to make your daily decisions based upon what you want your life to look like.  They will be carefully thought out decisions that continually lead you toward your desired life.  There will be no random moves, no jumping into the fire without thinking.  Every choice you make will be on purpose and because of this, you will guide yourself to exactly where you want to go.

Here is an example of how the Design philosophy will serve you.

Yes, it takes a lot of work to sit down and plan your budget and bills.  But once you do that, you will be clear on what you have and where your money is going.  This results in less stress, fewer checkbook mistakes, and guess what else?  No last minute trip to the bank to figure it all out.  Even if you live on a tight budget, you'll KNOW what you need to do, what you have and do not have, and you'll know where you can spend your money, ad where you need to hold back.  No bad, self-inflicted surprises!

Here's one more example.

As an organized individual who is planning her life and working her plan, you will be writing out everything you want to do and need to do.  You will have scheduled everything for yourself and you'll know where you need to be and when to be there.  This means no rushing to meet someone you forgot about.  No more trips to the store after work because you want to go out and wore the wrong outfit.  No more aggravated looks from your friends because you were late - again.  You'll feel great - and all grown up - when you live your life by following your dreams and your plan.  The bottom line is, you'll be living your life on purpose and with CONFIDENCE.

Remember, I'm not suggesting that you force yourself to feel stifled by sticking to a plan that feels rigid.  This DESIGN is YOUR plan.  Designed by you and for you.

Will it take some time to get this concept of designing your life moving forward?  Most likely yes, but just think of the time and drama you will save yourself once it is all up and running.  Think of the last minute scrambles it will save you!

Creating and designing your own reality will offer you so much more than time savings!  You will be able to choose exactly what your daily life looks like.  That will be extremely valuable to you as you move forward.

As I always say to you, what we focus on is what grows.  Whether it is good or bad, what we choose to focus on creates our life.  When you focus on what you truly want and value in your life, you will receive more of it.  So very seriously I tell you, focus on the good stuff. Focus on it as though you already have it in the palm of your hand.  Focus on peace and calm in your life, and you will receive more peace and calm.

There are other wonderful things you can design into your life as well.  For example,

1.  Fitness and Health.  Schedule your workout/exercise time.
2.  Want to write?  Schedule time for that.
3.  Need to call your parents more often?  Schedule it.
4.  Need to de-clutter your closet?  Block out time for that.
5.  Car need washed?  Nails need done?  Windows need washed?  Schedule it!
6.  Do you have medical appointments you've been putting off?  Get them scheduled!

Once you begin scheduling your tasks and desires into your life, then all you need to do is SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF!  Easy!  Here is how it works:

1.  Look at your planner and what you have scheduled.
2.  Show up for yourself.
3.  Complete the actions or tasks.
4.  Celebrate the new you and the sense of accomplishment.

When you are setting up your newly designed life, ask your friends and/or family to help you by holding you accountable.  They will love to be part of the new you!

If you find yourself asking this question, "What exactly do I want?  Where do I begin?  What needs changing?  How do I start the design process?"  I'll tell you how I started:  With a bunch of pretty pens and a big tablet.  Just make notes:

What do I love doing?
What makes me happy?
When do I feel the most successful?
When do I fee proud of myself?
...and the big one:  In a perfect world, what would my life look like?  How would I dress?  How would I speak?  What would I be doing?  How would I be acting?

Take some time to answer these questions for yourself.  It will become clear to you, if you are living your best life or if you are not.  And you can design from there, by adding what's missing and deleting what's holding you back.

Designing your life, rather than living by default, is the most valuable gift you can give yourself.  So make a start and take a stand.   And let me know how it goes for you.  Stay in touch, and if you need help, please reach out to me!

Love,
Donna

And for more information, please visit www.Brilliancefactor.com.  Here you'll find more inspiration and ideas about living a life you love, as well as how to work with me!